Campfire Woes
by Lenn.n.n
Summary: Link and Zelda have a drunken discussion about life, the universe, and everything. After a whole lot of complaining, shameless self-plugging, crazy references, and fanfiction author cameos, the forth wall is merely a bloody pulp on the fandom floor.


**Summary: Link and Zelda have a drunken discussion about Life, the Universe, and Everything. After a whole lot of complaining, self-plugging, random references, and fanfic author cameos, the forth wall is merely a bloody pulp on the fandom floor.**

**Author's note: This is rather deviant from the normal serious tone I write with, that much is sure. I think it is rather humorous, if I dare say so myself. There are several references that will be explained in footnotes. I fear I may have limited my audience with so many inside jokes, but I think there is enough here that most everyone will get something from it. Hopefully the references will make some of you laugh. **

**As a side note, nobody should by ANY MEANS take ANY of this seriously. It's just there for fun. Happy reading!**

**PS: Please do not take this as an example of my skill. My other one-shots are far better for that. **

"Nobody really reads about us," Link grunted. He tossed another piece of wood into the fire. A couple of sparks took flight and settled on the grass, and Zelda swatted at one playfully. "You'd think they'd be more interested in the classics."

"Classics?" chuckled Zelda. She poured herself another glass of wine and drank some, absently forgetting to be dainty. "Link, _please._ We're from a video-game, not a book. There are no 'classics' when it comes to _video-games."_

"Are too!" Link snarled. "What about Seven?"

"Ah yes! The one where the strong-willed, brown-haired, pink-wearing girl with supernatural premonitions _DIES,"_ Zelda lilted, taking a less-than-ladylike chug of her chardonnay. "Sorry if I take _some_ _offense_ to that." (1)

Link waved a hand in the air dismissively. "You're looking at this the wrong way. Her death was _heroic_! And you didn't even _have_ brown hair back then!" Link snapped defensively.

"News for you, hun. Remember the first time I showed up? I'm not a natural blo--"

Link rolled his eyes. "No changing the subject. It _was _a classic."

Zelda threw back her head, her voice chiming with laughter. "Nice try, fairy boy! But people only care about the sequels nowadays! Which aren't half-bad, I do say." She gave a perverted laugh. "Hmm. Valentine, my Valentine." (2)

"Traitor," grumbled Link. "We're supposed to be loyal to Nintendo. And Miyamoto. Not Square."

Zelda slammed down her glass onto the soil, glaring at Link. Her cheeks had a red tinge to them, and her eyebrow twitched. "_Miyamoto _and _Nintendo _had the GALL to _lock _me in a_ tower_ for an _entire_ game_!_ And _then,_ when I _finally_ got a larger role,I had to _die first, _because all strong women without C-cups _die, _apparently!"

Link reached out his hand. "Pass the wine...thanks," he sighed, picking up his own flute glass and pouring himself some of the delicious liquid. "Everyone knows you're strong, Zelda. Ever since you bound your boobs down for seven years, nobody's argued that"— ("ONLY HALF THE FANBASE!" Zelda cried,) "—Miyamoto just hasn't been one to really...show it." Link faltered. "Miyamoto is just a bit of a...sexist, is all." (3)

"No kidding," Zelda snorted. "Him and half the planet. Do a search on my name and that Chozo Chick on DeviantART. It's _disgusting_." (4)

"'Uhmm...Chozo Chick'?" (5)

"YES, Link. You know, that orange and blue girl? From the tournament? Big robotic vigilante, the one who kicked your ass and sent you flying because you couldn't stop staring at..."

"Oh_ her_. And I fought her in the ring later on. Yeah, that was a hard match." Zelda sniggered. Link glowered. "Stop that, it wasn't my fault I lost. She...kept jiggling!"

"Yes it was and no she didn't. She was in her Chozo armor during that match. And the next three after that. And you _still_ lost." Zelda gave Link one of her more evil smiles. "But I bet that whip of hers felt sooo good."

Link glared. "Shut up and pass me more wine." Zelda simpered smugly and passed him the jug, and he snatched it. He tried to pour some more into his glass, but missed. He decided to drink right from the decanter.

"Save me some." Zelda sighed. "I just want a little bit more _attention,_ that's all. Positive attention, some respect for the things I actually _do._"

"You're a politician, love," Link said. He slurred a little on the '-_cian._ "That's why you got that triforsh. Not to say politics ain't hard, or that you don't have thish tendancy to bring about golden ages, but really, what kind of gamer is interested in politics?"

"Ingie is. Just thank Nayru that Ashton creep isn't canon." She shuddered. (6)

"Hmm," Link hummed in agreement as he took another swig. The contents of the jug jostled about as he nodded.

"Oh, and CaMiAk. It's even in her summary." (7)

Link wiped his mouth messily. "CaMiAk is intelligent. He doesn't count.8"

"Yeah, she..." Zelda's brows furrowed flat above her eyes. "I'm sorry, _what?"_

"I admit, though, he writesh you quite good."

"WELL."

"Where!?" yelped Link, looking around the field as though he expected see Bongo Bongo leaping out of some random well with three negative traits.

"He writes me quite _well,_ Link. Use your grammar, you big oaf." She drained her glass and grabbed the jug of wine from Link. "And CaMiak is a SHE...but I like how she writes me. And how she writes Impa, too. Din, if you think _I_ don't get any attention..." she began chugging the chardonnay. (9)

"But do you really think I'm...uh..." Link frowned, then looked at Zelda pleadingly. He looked about to cry. "Was that true? How CaMiAK said you thought I was stupid when we first met?"

"Of courshe not!" Zelda cried, withdrawing the jug from her mouth. Wine dribbled down her chin and soaked her dress. Then she frowned, cocked her head, and added thoughtfully, "I figured _that_ out later."

Cough.

Awkward silence.

Crickets.

"You're hogging that!" complained link, and snatched the decanter back. He glanced inside. "Aww man, it'sh empty."

"Empty! Like our fanbase," wailed Zelda, tossing herself onto her back with her arms splayed out, staring up at the stars. "Boss wash sad the other day. Only two reviewsh on her last piece." (10)

"Nobody really readsh about us!" Link whined, collapsing beside her. "You know how many reviewsh a shingle one-shot of _Ella Enchanted_ got? _Shixty-seven! _We get _two!"__ (11)_

Zelda rubbed her eyes and sighed.

"Boss should post her shories in _that _archive," Link continued. "Or croshover. You can be Prinsh Char, cuz you're royalty, and I can be the main character agai...uh." His eyes grew wide. "No, no, wait, that won't work." (12)

"I oooorder you shuttup," Zelda mumbled. She rolled over and held her hands to her ears. "I wanna shleeeeep now."

"Don't ooorder meeeee, " Link whined defensively. He sobbed messily. "Itsh not fair, I want more reviewsh."

"No one is giving us reviews anymore," Zelda mumbled sleepily. "Nothing we can do."

"Maybe they will one day."

"You know nothing, John Shnow," Zelda mumbled. She closed her eyes.

"Mmm," Link said. "Unless the dragons finally shart dancing, o'courshe. Right? Zhelda?13"

Zelda snored in response.

"Awwww," Link cooed. "Nighty, love." Link rolled over, rested his head on Zelda's shoulder, and closed his eyes, too.

The moon rose higher. Crickets chirped. The fire died.

An hour later, Link stirred, opened his eyes, and groaned. "Zhelda? Zhelda, wake up."

"Ugh. Whu, what?"

Awkward Silence. Crickets.

"...Ish there any more wine?"

END

1 If you don't know what and who this referring to, then shame on you! I shan't tell you, young one. Shame!

2 Reference to Vincent Valentine, Dirge of Cerberus.

3 You can't deny this.

4 Nothing against the pairing, but there are those who go too far with it.

5 Referencing Samus Aran from Metroid and Super Smash Brothers.

6 Ingie is the author of the fanfiction called Fortitude and creator of an infuriating villain named Ashton. Fortitude stars Queen Zelda and often takes on a political tone. Ingie is one of the most popular Zelda authors on DeviantART.

7 CaMiAk: Author of "In the Background", a fan fiction that explores the political importance behind Zelda's actions throughout Ocarina of Time. Impa also appears in this piece.

8 This is not meant to imply that Ingie is not. Of course she is intelligent.

9 I do not claim to know this author's gender as a fact.

10 Thank you to those who actually reviewed and favorited 'Unwritten' and 'Paper Title'. Especially Foreverwanderer. You are all awesome.

11 I kid you not. One chapter, sixty-seven reviews. This fanbase is unrivaled.

12 I will never do this.

13 "You know nothing...Zhelda": Reference to an original book series by George R. R. Martin called A Song of Ice and Fire. Large fanbase, only a few fanfiction, and close to no reviews. The next book, A Dance with Dragons, was scheduled to come out sometime two years ago. Said release date was announced _six_ years ago. It. Still. Isn't. Out. But then again, **George R. R. Martin is not your bitch**.


End file.
